Realization

I had a dream. I was crying in my dream and before I know it, I was waking up, crying. In my dream, we were looking at some "twelve secrets to a successful relationship" written by my brother and his soon-to-be wife. We were going through the list and you kept going "check", "I've done this before", "yup", and so on, while I was there baffled, thinking, "we've not done any of these together before".

As I felt the tears rolling down my sleeping face, a sudden realization hit me. I finally know the reason for my emotional turmoil. I'm jealous. Jealous that I'm not your first. Jealous that you have had lots of firsts with your ex and not me. I'm afraid that I can't compare to her because the jealous me feels that you had more fun being with her rather than me. Because I want to do things with you that you don't want to do, probably because you've done them before and didn't like them, or perhaps didn't want to be reminded of how much you enjoyed it doing it with someone else.

The jealousy is making me insecure. I know that you probably do love me but because you don't show your love openly, neither do you seem willing to talk about her, which makes me feel that you haven't let go off her, because if you have, you wouldn't mind talking about it. You might feel sadness or pity when recollecting but you would still feel comfortable talking about it, because when you truly let go, there will only be pity but no sadness. No sadness that will prevent you from talking about it.