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It seems as if i'm feeling depressed very often nowadays... And this time it's because i feel that i've let someone down... She trusted me but i think i destroyed her trust in me. She must be thinking what an irresponsible, selfish, lazy and unreliable person i am, now. Or maybe she isn't even thinking about it because she feels it is a waste of time to even think about it. Maybe she is right. I am irresponsible and selfish and not worthy of her trust... Aargh.. This is so irritating.. This is the reason why i try not to get so attached to someone because if i feel i've disappointed them, i will feel really bad.. You may say why bother disappointing them in the first place... I think so too, but i just can't help it..Sometimes i do things without thinking and sometimes i am just plain forgetful...
This reminds me of the character "Yoko" in "The Twelve Kingdoms". She is a girl born in another place and time but got into modern day and time in Japan for some reason which i can't remember. Here, she takes on a new face and is a really good girl. She tries really hard to be good so that she will be liked. One day, someone from the other place and time went to her school to "fetch" her back to the place where she is supposed to rule a country. It is only when she was there that she realised how others really feel about her. She also learned to be firm and have her own opinions instead of following the crowd. She became a stronger and more likeable person. Though she couldn't really handle the heavy responsibilities and was really bad- tempered at first, she soon learnt to exercise her responsibility and not to try to make all her officials happy, which is quite impossible.
I really liked the ending of the story "A Thousand Miles of Wind, The Sky At Dawn". In it, she said something like "if you feel real respect for a person, you will automatically bow to them. You do not have to be forced to do it. It just comes naturally." I think it's very true. Though how i came to talk about this story, i don't know, for i think i'm getting out of point, but at least it made me feel a little better. It's a nice show!
Maybe it's because i feel a close bond towards her, in that i'm as fickle- minded as her and also that i may be trying too hard to try to please everyone and end up pleasing none.
It's like standing on the shore and watching 2 people close to you drowning while you stand there contemplating who you should save first and before you have made your decision, both have drowned. Maybe i need to be whisked off to another place and time like Yoko too, before i learn how to live properly.
It's like development and environment. You can only choose one. You can't have development and still preserve the environment and neither can you preserve the environment and yet still carry out development successfully. Oh holy crap! Why am i talking about Geog now? Whatever it is, quality is better than quantity. Only those really "powderful" people can have both and i'm obviously not one of them and i must accept the fact.